April 1, 2004

A conversation between Laurie and I:

L. – One day I am going to tell my mother the truth about what really happened.
C. – Really?
L. – No.

Yeah. I am going to have to go with Laurie on this one. The truth will never be told. In fact, I am also going to make a vow to never modify the lies that I was telling that I don’t tell anymore. No contradictions. Just an ever changing present tense truth. How’s that sound?

I worked late. Leftover night. Things that weren’t eaten. Thrown away. An empty refrigerator. An excellent feeling. I read “The Crying of Lot 49” by Thomas Pynchon. Yesterday and today. W.A.S.T.E. An excellent book. Started “Gravity’s Rainbow” by the same dude. Taking on all of these big important books. Fearing that I am never going to be able to read again.

Talking to Laurie. Instead of television. Reminiscing. “Ten Years Gone”. Almost exactly. Literally. The funny thing is, I used to think that I had my shit together, like I knew everything, when I was twenty-two and we started living together but we were just kids and I did not know jack shit, so I look at myself then and laugh at what an idiot I was and compare that to how I feel about myself relative to the rest of the world now (the difference between now and then – I have acknowledged and expressed doubts now and back then it was only forced confidence) and I wonder how I am going to look at myself now when I am forty-five. That’s the trick: picturing yourself at forty-five. Will I ever regain that confidence (read: the ability to fake confidence) or is it going to be something else?

posted by Thea at 9:55 PM

March 31, 2004

I thought the bus driver saw me. I thought he was waiting for me. I did not yell as he drove away as soon as I got close to the bus after running for a block. I am not yelling at a bus. I yelled in my head, though. I kept on yelling (in my head) as I waited in the rain. Work. Payday. Overtime. Baby Fea and I did a cart (what’s a cart?) for main air today. Not a good cart. But a cart that had to be done today because of a deadline. We should probably make another one sooner than later that’s good. Continued sharing with Baby Fea. Opening up. On the drive home. Figuring she’s listened to me for this long. Why would she stop listening to me now? Went out to dinner. You know. Payday. Overtime. I think I kicked my desire, my uncontrollable passion, for the fried sandwich. Couldn’t finish it. Kind of disgusted. Probably a good thing because the fried sandwich can’t be good for you. Went shopping for pants. You know. Payday. Overtime. Telling myself. You got to do this. You have got to buy clothes. It’s a fact. Going to figure out a way to never go to the mall again. If I was not disgusted after the fried sandwich, I was after the mall – the friend sandwich of shopping experiences. To the music store. Same thing. Enough shopping. Enough. Period. I did not buy what I needed from the music store which means a second trip when I can hopefully handle it. Because I do need stuff. Another night without television. Going to bed.

posted by Thea at 9:06 PM

March 30, 2004

I told my former secretary (and World’s Greatest Liar) about mine and Laurie’s decision to go television free before bed this week. I told her that we are sitting at the dining room table and talking during dinner instead of watching “Seinfeld”. She said that it sounded real “Ozzie and Harriet”. I apologized for being such a damned weirdo. She said that is why she liked me – because I was always doing weird things. Yes. It is weird not watching television after work but, thank God, I have a dear dear friend like Baby Fea who will BLOG what is going on with “Seinfeld” so I don’t have to feel like I am missing anything. You should all pray that you one day get a friend who is as supportive as Baby Fea.

Instead of watching television, I typed up the last two months of show notes for the website, I lifted a dumbbell (I feel vigorous.), looked at Country and Western suits and shirts on e-mail computer for George’s wedding, talked to Dirt on the phone about a practice space and law school and went for a walk with Laurie who went to the gym while I typed. I am going to read after this BLOG and then watch “NYPD Blue” in bed. This was a quality evening. Solid. Real solid.

posted by Thea at 9:00 PM

March 28, 2004

BLOG. Weekend Edition.

Friday. I ran in the morning. Before work. Running in the morning is the best. I tried to run with a little more bounce as to not completely fuck up my knee. I ran two miles before it hurt so bad that I had to stop. But it is not as bad as it sounds. I worked. I bought some records with the money that my mom gave Laurie for helping shave their cat. Big ups to my mom. I hope am I never too old to take money from my parents. Laurie and I went to the Beachland to see the Volta Sound. I will review the show elsewhere on this website but I want to say right here that I am having a hard time getting motivated to go out. Is it too much winter? Am I getting old? Who knows? I had a good time once I was out the door but it took too much effort to get out. What?s up with that?

Saturday. Again with the morning run. Again with the pain. Band practice. Dirt and family over for dinner. Fell asleep early on the futon. Slept too long on the futon. Everything was stiff.

Sunday. Finished reading ?V.? by Thomas Pynchon. Yeah, that was a good book. Listening to records. Laurie goes to the gym. She comes back after one minute. I guess the postman put the letter saying that I was accepted into law school again in the wrong mailbox because we got it this morning. For those listeners who are old school and can remember the Assholier than Thou Good Times Happy Friends Monday Morning Radio Show Starring Baby Fea (yea!) from back in the day, like, when it first started, it was the summer of 1999 and I was about to start law school. I dropped out after a week, turning down a half tuition scholarship because I wanted to do something else with my life. I also quit my law firm docket clerk job that I had for nine years for the same reason. I spent a year temping, going on job interviews, working at a Used Record Store and telemarketing (No. It is telesales.) for the Cavaliers before I got offered another job at the same office. I went back to work. Home, sweet cubicle. It was three years of law firm life last September when I went to California to see my brother, drove from the desert to San Francisco, CA to see the Browns and George and decided on the way back that I was going to try to go to law school again. I got a few things out of the way in the fall of last year and declared this year ?The Year of the Big Shuffle?. I had/have everything I wanted out of life but I had to switch the priorities around. Focus. Refocus. Well, this is what that meant. I start law school again on August 16, 2004. This time it?s part time. This time it?s night school. There have been a couple people who had met this decision with the words: copping out, selling out, giving up or horribly disappointed that you are not doing something meaningful with your life. I can?t say that I disagree. But it?s also this whole thing that I don?t feel like getting into now.

Maybe I will feel like it tomorrow on the Assholier than Thou Good Times Happy Friends Monday Morning Radio Show Starring Baby Fea (yea!).

posted by Thea at 10:11 PM