February 26, 2004

On Tuesday, I had a long talk with an old friend of mine, Big Al. Old friend. Good friend. We come from the same place. His mom grew up on the same street that I grew up. She taught me and my brother and my sister in grade school. Knowing somebody for such a long time, no matter how far apart we are geographically and as men, means that many things do not need to be said between us during a conversation before we understand each other. Without saying anything, he knows where I am coming from and vice versa. Big Al. Good dude. Kind of hippie. But still a dude. He is the dude that I read “Infinite Jest” with and we are reading another huge book together now with the idea that there is strength in numbers.

Besides staying loose on my run on Tuesday, I was scared by two cars turning off of Lake Avenue and coming too close to me. It is called mental scarring.

I had an incredibly sad dream on Tuesday night or I should say that I was incredibly sad in my dream because the dream itself was not that sad. In the dream, a guy that I barely know died and I had to explain to his mother who I have never met in real life that he was dead. I wept in the dream several times. That was totally cool. I felt the tears in my sleep. I had forgotten what it feels like to cry.

Last night, I was awoken at three o’clock in the morning by the worry that I need to see a psychiatrist. You see, I have been having these graphically violent daydreams all day every day. Fighting. Kicking. Punching. Choking. Crashing. Killing. Crushing. Destroying. I woke up from a dead sleep. Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist? Maybe I am going crazy? I calmed myself down and fell back asleep with the repeating image of me bashing your (not you) face in with my fist running in my head.

I told Thea that I was depressed this afternoon. It felt good to tell somebody.

I worked the 7:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. shift today so I could run while it was still light out. Good idea. I ran OK. It was too windy but at least I could see where I was running.

I am debating on whether to go see Mike “Hook Boy” Uva at the Beachland Tavern tonight. Although I don’t feel like leaving the house, there is the idea that you need to break the cycle.

posted by Thea at 5:21 PM

February 24, 2004

To the tune of Strauss’ “Blue Danube”.

“Fat fat fat fat fat fat. Fat fat. Fat fat. Fat fat fat fat fat fat. Fat fat. Fat fat. Fat fat fat fat fat fat. Fat fat fat. Fat fat fat. Fat fat . Fat fat. Fat fat fat.”

It’s Fat Tuesday. Laurie and I went out to dinner. We had dessert. Boy, oh boy, am I feeling fat. We just got done watching last Sunday’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm”. To tell you how good it was, I rewound the tape and watched jokes again directly after watching them for the first time. I laughed louder the second time. Great show. Hilarious.

Thinking of something while running yesterday. Normally, when I am trying to keep myself pumped up after being too tired to run anymore, I repeat a mantra. “Fuck the World”. Over and over again. Getting angrier and angrier as I run. But staying pumped up. And then I pull a muscle because I am a clenched up ball of rage running down Lake Avenue. Yesterday, I repeated: “Stay Loose” when I felt my calves getting tight. I did, indeed, stay loose and did not pull anything. Maybe it is better to not run while angry.

I wanted to quote a book I read today here but I do not want to be known as one of those guys who is always quoting everything he reads.

Have a good night. Stay fat.

posted by Thea at 8:03 PM

February 22, 2004

Yesterday was Saturday. I did some work. I read. Laurie and I drove out to Golden Gate in Mayfield Heights, OH. Not on the highway. To figure out that it is six less miles if you don’t use the highway. With an extra hour of driving. There was a reason the Interstate was created. I practiced with the Sinner’s Sweet Groove Machine. I am debating whether I like hanging out with the dudes or rocking out more. You know, like, what do I get out of it? I like hanging out. And there were times last night where we might have rocked. What’s better? Between hitting the jam button, I gave some of my views on relationships, manhood and life to the Sinner and Dirt. They disagreed with me. I disagreed with them. Why can’t we both be right? Because I am right. Am I kidding? The only way that it is possible to get a right answer on some of these things is if you simplify the question down to where a simple answer works. I am not doing that. So there. I went for a walk after practice and then went to bed.

More reading today. Ran a couple of miles. Bought some Nick Lowe records in mint (no vinyl grading lamp required) condition from My Mind’s Eye Records. Watched cartoons. BLOGGING. Going to take a shower. Going to watch “Curb Your Enthusiasm”. Going to go to bed. Going to dream about the reality that I am creating. Going to tell you about it all tomorrow on the Assholier than Thou Good Times Happy Friends Monday Morning Radio Show Starring Baby Fea (yea!).

posted by Thea at 9:05 PM