January 4, 2003

I am sick – literally. My wife has been dealing with something for the last couple of days and yesterday I thought that I was getting it but I thought it also could have been all just in my head. After spending the night in a smoky bar (Boulder ruled – the most fireworks ever) I woke up this morning and I was hanging. After spending the day on my ass with the hopes of it going away, I just went for a walk and now I feel like hell. I can deal with how bad I feel now but my fear is that it is going to get worse tomorrow. My forecast for me going out tomorrow night to grind along with Keelhaul is not, I am sad to have to say, likely. That sucks.

I am reading “Winesburg, Ohio” by Sherwood Anderson. It is a great book written by a dude who has walked the same railroad tracks that I just walked. That does not make the book good but it helps me enjoy it more when I know that the author was a dude. Thea would love “Winesburg, Ohio. Anderson uses the phrase “love affair.”

The drumming is getting harder and faster. That is good for rock and roll drumming.

One of my prayers is that I forget things. I don’t want to remember everything. That is what makes my life sad. I remember everything and it is all bad. Today, I realized I forgot something. Big ups to G. It was not just that I forgot that my wife was making soap over the summer, I had no recollection of her having any of the soap stuff or even mentioning making soap at all. She just showed me her soap making gear. I had no idea. I forgot. Again, big ups to G. for answering prayer.

posted by Thea at 10:28 PM

January 2, 2003

Today was my first full day in the office for a couple of weeks. Not good. Not good. I am not looking forward to tomorrow. “Tomorrow is dragsville, cats. Tomorrow is a king sized motherfucking drag.” I look back on last January at the office and it is not as bad but that does not mean that it is good. I am not going to lose my mind with boredom but that is not saying that it is in any way good. Not good. Not good. I have asked myself a million times today: What am I doing? My tone, in asking the question repeatedly to who ever would listen and myself no matter how much I did not want to hear it, was disgust mixed with frustration. The only bright point for today was that the drumming was faster and smoother although my hand is stiff now while I am trying to type. Now, I must go walk in the snow so I don’t feel so fat.

posted by Thea at 8:15 PM

January 1, 2003

It is the first day of the New Year. What a non-event. It is a complete nothing day for me. It’s like I don’t even care – not even a little bit. Maybe I am in denial or something. I had fun last night at Dirt and Julie’s. We watched TV, talked and ate. Today, I did nothing. I slept in and did not shower. I read the rest of “The Plague” by Albert Camus and watched TV. I stopped running today and started playing the drums instead. I played along to “Funhouse” by the Stooges – badly. I can’t believe how little stamina I have not to mention a complete lack of chops. I have to think about starting to run again back in June and how bad that went to give me some inspiration to continue on with the drums because, boy, did I suck. I don’t feel like going back to work tomorrow but I can’t sit around here anymore.

I am going to read more in the New Year. I can sense a plan developing. Maybe it is staring to come to me.

posted by Thea at 9:48 PM

December 31, 2002

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope that all of your holiday seasons have kicked the ass. I hope you all have a great new year.

Well, the Year of Hard Work is almost over. I am about to head out for a low key evening at Dirt and Julie’s house to celebrate the event. I had originally intended this to be a no key evening at home but my desire to do Something/Anything on the holiday (I am human.) is forcing me out on amateur night. I already saw one limousine on Clifton Boulevard. Note: If you ride around in a limo on New Year’s Eve, you are a loser. You are doing it wrong. My wife and I will not be riding a limo to the western end of Lakewood, OH. We are taking the Eurowagon.

Some of you may have noticed that I took the holidays off of BLOGGING. I did this for a variety of reasons. One is obvious, it was Christmastime and we had guests at the house. The other is that I totally needed a break – and I still do. That has not really stopped me before but I am also having a difficult time trying to figure out what I am supposed to do next. It is a one two punch. If you can’t dream it, you can’t do it. So, I have been doing a ton of reading and trying to get a fresh perspective for the Year of Big Change. I thought the Year of Big Change was going to be the year when I put myself on a permanent vacation and, now, it does not look like that is going to happen. Oh well. I have spent the last month trying to come up with a plan of attack and I am not coming up with jack shit and I am not going to force myself to do something like I have always done just because I can’t think of anything better to do. I am just going to sit and wait. It was not going to happen just because I tried to force it to happen. I am sure something will come to me. It is just not going to happen tonight.

I am taking a break from running for a couple of months. My body needs to recover and I am going to relearn to play the drums (indoors where it's warm) while I am not running myself into the ground. That should be nice. Today, I savored the pain as I trucked down Lake Avenue for last time for a while. I want to remember. Today, I fixed a couple of spots on my slate roof. It was easy even though it was cold and rainy because I am not afraid of falling of the top of the ladder anymore as I work with both hands. I used to have to hang onto the ladder with one hand. I used to be afraid. I remember.

posted by Thea at 7:30 PM