December 14, 2002

I went to a holiday lunch today with the extended family of my father-in-law. I think that is how you say it. It was my father-in-law’s immediate family so it was my extended. It doesn’t matter. It was family that I don’t see that often. I spent the majority of time talking to my father-in-law, which translates into mostly listening to him talk. I don’t really mind doing nothing but listen to him rap for over three hours straight. He is a smart guy and pretty interesting. I know most of his raps already by heart having been involved with his daughter for so long but today he managed to pull a few new ones out of his big book of raps. The new raps followed his old raps’ standard theme of intelligence and hard work triumphing over the ignorant yahoos of the world, so I was not shocked by anything he said but it was nice to hear some variations on the theme. It was nice not going uh-uh from memory for a change and experience the uh-uh’s live as they happened.

I like my father-in-law because he is like me. He is a large man with a short fuse. We both get annoyed at the kids running around being noisy at the exact same time. We both like the sound of our own voice. We are both intellectually curious and, as a product of an agitated mind, active readers. We both married the same woman so I get a sense that he knows where I am coming from with that whole deal. My father-in-law is a dreamer and it is probably worth saying that I think he is totally nuts.

I got an overwhelming sense that my father-in-law, deep into fifties, is still searching and I imagine that I am going to be too when I am his age.

Holiday Weight Gain Paranoia: I had more people than members of my family ask me if I was losing weight today. Since I am gaining weight, I know those people are making fun of me because I am fat.

posted by Thea at 11:09 PM

December 13, 2002

I have smiled more times in the last couple of days than I have all year and, the thing about it is, I really meant those smiles. I have also been sad and kind of upset for really no reason. The smiles have been long slow ones that cover my whole face. The sadness makes me sleepy in the middle of the day after several cups of coffee.

I went out to Pepper Pike, OH (Pepper Pike, OH = the sticks = Cuyahoga County in name only) to get some important documents signed by an important man for work. Everybody asked me, after I told them where I went, if he had a nice house. Not as nice as you would think, was my answer.

I am envious of you and your ability to see everything in absolute black and white terms. To you, the answer to the question: what is the meaning of life? is a yes or no answer.

I saw a young office girl riding home on the bus after her day at the office. She was listening to the “8 Mile” soundtrack on a generic portable CD player. She was bouncing her head gently along to the music and very quietly mouthing the words to Eminem’s raps. I got the feeling that we are doomed and that there was no turning back and that it was all over watching that young office girl whisper rap on the bus.

posted by Thea at 10:14 PM

December 12, 2002

I can tell you two better words than Happy Birthday. Fried Sandwich.

posted by Thea at 10:09 PM

December 11, 2002

I just got back from the Gund Arena where the Cavs got a rare win against the Toronto Raptors. Would the Cavs have lost if Vince Carter was playing? Yes. Of cours they would have. But he was not and the Cavs won. Dujuan Wagner had 33 points and Ricky Davis hammered a couple of impressive dunks. It was a good game but there was nobody at the Gund Arena tonight. The place was more than half empty which means it could never be more than half full at the same time. I rolled with my former co-worker Chuck tonight who asked me if basketball was a major league sport in Cleveland, OH? I am really wondering. The Cavs have a good young team and should be drawing more than they are. With the guys they have in uniform right now, they will be competitive in a couple of years. I just hope that they are still in town for me to enjoy it.

The only bonus about nobody giving a rat’s ass about the Cavs is that I got to sit in amazing seats tonight. I sat seven rows up from the floor just off of center court. They were the best seats I have ever sat in at the Gund Arena and I was beaming with happiness for at least the first quarter – forgetting about my life for a while. Big ups to Chuck for the hook up. He is the man now dog.

posted by Thea at 10:25 PM

December 10, 2002

The company that makes my wife’s Euro station wagon is fucking with me again. Damn it. Why I am letting those bastards get to me?

It is a major love/hate deal with my wife’s Euro station wagon. Here’s how I got there in the love and in the hate: We went car free a couple of years ago for a few months after we moved into our house. I don’t why. We had a leased car and we (or was it me pushing her? I can’t remember.) decided to see what life would be like without a ride in Cleveland, OH. It sucked for many little reasons but it was not that big of a deal. With the winter grinding down on us, we got a 1990 Jeep Grand Wagoneer two years ago to the day tomorrow. I always wanted one of those and it was a dream come true for me to finally own one. It quickly turned into a nightmare thanks to a crooked mechanic (fuck you, Gallagher) and the fact that those trucks are pains in the ass and I am not an automobile proctologist. Time passed. We drove the Jeep. For some reason (I don’t know why), I had this dream that I was going to somehow restore the Jeep to show room new with no money and no mechanical ability whatsoever. It became an issue – my wife driving the Jeep a couple of miles to work everyday, supposedly driving the Jeep into the ground and me taking the bus to work - and I got on my wife to go ahead and get herself a car and leave the Jeep alone for me to tinker with it free from her abuse.

We had decided on another Euro car that she test drove and looked cute in that she was going to go ahead and get. The big day came and she called me from the dealer to tell me about the Euro station wagon. I was stone silent on the other of the line. What happened? A Euro station wagon? What? It was really not any of my business. I got the truck I wanted. She got the Euro station wagon. OK, go ahead. Do what you want. But I was a jerk about it – like with everything. Instead of driving around with her that first night and enjoying the new car, I acted like an asshole and killed her enthusiasm and any joy she might have had from her first nice car. Why, baby why? Why do I do it?

So we have had the Euro station wagon for over a year. I hate the thought of driving that weak piece of shit and limit my trips in that car to once a week (twice tops). Every dude that I see driving one of these Euro station wagons I want to give the finger to and I mouth “you are fucking lame” from the driver’s seat of my wife’s Euro station wagon. Why do I hate that car so much? It handles better and is faster (by much) than its American or Japanese counterparts. My wife loves the car and I love to see her in it. She does look cute in it for some strange Euro reason.

I don’t know. It is must be that the Euro station wagon is such a wuss ride (the other day I asked Andrej if he wanted to stand next to a less lame car while he finished his cigarette in the bookstore parking lot) or that it is pretentious as shit or it could be those damned commercials. They did it again. First it was Nick Drake’s “Pink Moon” that got jammed into my head and, by some fucked up path of out of control commercialism, into my soul. Now, it is the Electric Light Orchestra’s “Mr. Blue Sky”. I love – no seriously love - that song as well as most of the Electric Light Orchestra catalog and the Euro car company is killing it for me. They are doing it wrong.

It is an undeniable fact that I can’t here the Electric Light Orchestra without being magically catapulted back to my mom’s pothead friend’s rusted blue Chevy Suburban with the busted back passenger door with only an old time screen door latch keeping the door from flying open and all of the fat kids in the back seats horsing around from falling onto the curb listening to AM radio while my mom and her girlfriend drove around the suburbs of Cleveland, OH looking for garage sales. “Mr. Blue Sky” was Top 40 during the summer of 1978 – the summer before first grade. I loved to disco back then and Kiss when they sounded like the Eagles and the Who as interpreted by Elton John and the Electric Light Orchestra. They sounded like all of everything music put together on one record and cranked out through a factory Delco stereo.

I can’t hear the Electric Light Orchestra and not be a little boy again and the Euro car company is destroying (not stealing – they are just getting it confused and messed up) my memories. It is a massive rush of peaceful calm and happiness being pissed on by a fucking bubble convertible commercial.

And I am waiting for my wife to drive up the driveway looking so cute in her Euro station wagon. And the Jeep is sitting in the garage where it will never be touched again (I want an old Ford Bronco now – 1969 – just like Moe). And “Mr. Blue Sky” won’t stop playing on the television.

posted by Thea at 9:18 PM

December 9, 2002

I spaced yesterday and did not BLOG. It is not like anything was standing in the way of me getting my BLOG on; I just forgot.

I am BLOGGING in the early morning before the Assholier than Thou Good Times Happy Friends Monday Morning Radio Show. I am about to go down to the radio station sans Thea. She is still recuperating from her surgery. I am going to be playing some of Thea’s best bits in tribute to Ms. Honkey and then Baby Fea is going to be calling in at 8:00 a.m. from the Rocky River compound. Tune in at 8:00 a.m. for a live report from death’s door

posted by Thea at 5:21 AM