May 25, 2002

I had some down time today since I am not starting anything new until tomorrow. I had to write something for a friend and then it was pretty much nothing to do the rest of the day. I figured I needed some time to relax. Big mistake. I am not supposed to stop working. Ever.

I went on an eastside mini vacation with Thea in the afternoon. It was fun and I am not just going to make it sound fun on Monday morning because I am a good storyteller. I actually had a good time. Big ups to Thea, my friend, and her jazz walking. I am looking forward to getting it back on track on The Good Times Happy Friends Monday Morning Radio Show.

I got home from the eastside mini vacation and hit the wall. What am I doing with myself? Where am I going in life? Why does everything that I do seem like a big mistake? Will I ever be happy? Inquiring minds want to know.

I watched some of the Nets/Celtics game but quickly became bored with what I thought was going to be a total blow out. I found the women’s college softball world series on ESPN2 and got pumped up for some big athletic girl on big athletic girl action. Much to my horror, the fat girl that was pitching for Arizona was too fat for me and that ruined the whole damn thing.

I took a nap.

The phone was ringing as I came to from my nap. I walked down the stairs half awake and saw an old lady standing on my porch since it was raining pretty hard. I picked up the phone and told my friend the artist Tom Ericsson from Brooklyn, NY that there was an old lady standing on my porch. I whispered to him on the phone and went back upstairs so I would not disturb the old lady on my front porch.

I ended up talking to Tom for over an hour about my day off and the mental collapse that it caused. He said that he gets the same thing and I felt like I might not be totally alone in the world for a second.

And then I hung up the phone and I was alone again. (To answer my critics in advance: Although I should have probably outgrown these melancholy feelings by now, I have not. Yes, I actually feel this way. I am depressed. I have no hope. I will state, however, that most writing is done with a desired effect in mind.)

posted by Thea at 10:13 PM

May 24, 2002

Did I finish the book today? No.
Did I stop working on the book today? Yes.

There is a big difference in those two questions. I am not sure if I will ever be done with anything that I write but there is a point in the process where the process is over. That point for the book came today. I don’t think that I will be able to look at the thing for a while. It was sucking the life right out of me. If I would have not been so thrilled to be doing my old job, who knows what I would be doing right now. Bashing my head against the desk? I would probably be feeling pretty bummed out instead of just drained.

I find it funny that I don’t know how to deal with happiness.

I am about go for my first walk in a couple of weeks. I am looking forward to that more than doing any more typing.

I’ll end with the lost haiku from tomorrow and one I wrote today. Try and guess which one is which.

This amazing day
Will not end. It is never
Ending in advance.

I keep on screaming
That I need to get out of
This situation.


posted by Thea at 7:04 PM

May 23, 2002

It’s official. I am sick of writing the book. I am sick editing it and I am sick of thinking about it. I don’t care about it anymore.

I want to get on to something new. I am pulling the plug on this thing tomorrow. I am going to stay at the office until it is finished but I am not taking it home with me this weekend. There are parts that still are awkward and there are parts that just plain suck but I am done working on it for a while. It has been pretty hardcore since Easter and I need to stop.

I wrote a haiku today while I was waiting for my wife to get on the phone at her job in about thirty seconds. How is that for artistic impulse? I lost the poem before I could type it. I think that is a statement or something.

posted by Thea at 8:48 PM

05/22/02

Real quick. I just wanted to check in. Nothing major to report.

I just watched the season finale of “NYPD Blue” on tape delay. What a bummer. They hardly broke any balls and the story line with Sipowitz and that blond lady needs to get moving or get done. No whoopee session? What a lame finale.

I finished the manual edits of the first draft of the book today. Now, I only have to write some fill-in stuff and the first draft is over. I should be finished on Saturday. Thank God.

I caught myself singing “Pure Imagination” while walking to court today. “If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.” Wow. I forgot what it is like to be happy. It makes me wonder. Oh, it makes me wonder. Oh oh oh oh oh oh. It also makes me less productive. Good night now.


posted by Thea at 9:15 PM

May 21, 2002

It has been told to me repeatedly by various parties concerned with my state of mental well being that nobody likes their job. I know that those monitoring my mental health only have my best interest in mind but I have this response: that is bullshit. Plain and simple.

I used to love my job. I worked as docket clerk for nine years for the law firm that I work for now. Man, I loved that job. Nine years drifted away from me and I did not even blink. The job offered me everything that I am looking for in an employment situation: walking around to the courts and other offices on deliveries, data and organization with the filing system, virtually no supervision and enough money to barely scratch by. The money part is the funniest. I actually had year end reviews where they told me that they wanted to pay me more money if I would do more work and I asked if it was OK to do the same amount of work for the same amount of money. They were cool with that and, obviously, so was I.

I don’t care about money. I do care about being miserable which is what I have been for the last three years since I stopped docket clerking.

I miss walking around. I have been chained to a desk (and before that a record store counter) for three years. I used to tell the kids at the record store about my old job. I told them with complete conviction that it was the greatest job in the world. I miss the file room and listening to Redd Foxx, Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce records on a boom box while I filed. I don’t have to explain the no supervision thing and, again, who gives a rat’s ass about money. I don’t have any now and I never will.

I am thinking about work now more than I normally do because the office that I work for merged with another office and I am moving to another office. I spent all day today packing up stuff and doing my old docket clerk job due to streamlining as a result of the merger. I have to say - today was great. It was awesome. I felt good – really good – for the first time in years. Why? Oh, no reason.

I now have exactly one goal in life: work less. I think that I have a few good ideas in how to accomplish that goal – none of which are going to win me any points with my wife but a dude has got to do what a dude has got to do.

posted by Thea at 10:36 PM

May 19, 2002

I went to a going away party last night at my dog and his wife’s house with a bunch of dudes that I used to roll with back in the day. Shout out to all. I would say that I roll with these cats now but I don’t roll with anybody really. The party was fun except for having to suffer through the Kings dropping the critical game one at home on television. I was wrong. Son of a bitch.

I was surrounded by kids at the party. I can’t believe how many of my friends have had kids. I was expressing my shock and disbelief to my wife and she indicated to me that all of these people are in their thirties and that was the time when people who are smart start having kids with most poor dumb bastards getting it going while they are in their twenties or younger. It’s babies having babies.

Of course I was jealous of my dogs because of the children. Parenthood seemed to force most of these dudes into getting their acts together and they all seem pretty happy too. It seems nice – having a family – and I went to sleep thinking about it all.

I am sitting here on Sunday morning understanding that this is the life that I have chosen and guessing that I should probably live it.

posted by Thea at 10:48 AM