Day 46 – 03/16/02
Day 45 – 03/15/02

I just flew in from Milwaukee, WI and boy are my arms tired.

Since I have only slept five hours in the last two nights and can’t really tell the days apart, I am going to make this one entry. I am sitting hit here at the keyboard of the computer trying to figure out what happened. I, and a person who will not be mentioned on the air again anymore for any reason, went to Chicago, IL and Milwaukee, WI for some rock and roll and related action. You will be able to read about the rock and roll at some other time in some other forum -hopefully - but if you are looking for tales of dieting on the road and other personal minutiae – you have come to the right place.

Chicago, IL was easy on the dieter. I had eaten a good bowl of cereal and some yogurt before leaving the jam pad. I packed a bunch of diet like crap for the trip and we were off. The drive to Chicago, IL went fast. I talked most of the time out trying out new material. If the viewer thinks that any of the anecdotal material that is shared on the air is totally unprepared, I am sorry for the blatant deception. Thea and I don’t work off a script and never will but the material that I use is from a working file of anecdotes that are told and retold repeatedly to the people who are unfortunate enough to talk to me on a regular basis.

I worked on material while driving through Indiana and let the hours eliminate themselves. There is nothing but successful dieting to report. We stopped at a truck stop. I got black coffee only. There was a regional brand of potato chip (ala Dan Dee) well stocked at the truck stop. With such exotic flavors as ketchup, hot dogs and mustard and dill, I was tempted to go to town but did not because I am a triumphant dieter. Regional potato chips are, however, one of the bonuses of long distance driving and I made a promise to myself to pick up some chips for my day off this week.

That night in Chicago, IL, I went to see “The Notebook of Trigorin” by Tennessee Williams featuring my grade school friend Kevin. The play, an adaptation of Chekhov’s “The Seagull”, was at a very cool theater complex that was converted from an old school. I loved the building. Kevin played a rogue doctor and was very good. I got to catch up with Kevin, who I have been a friend with since the second grade, after the show. Kevin is the only person in the world that can make me laugh until I can’t control myself anymore. He, of course, had me in tears trying to catch my breath a couple of times with his anecdotes mixed with the voices that he does. He is great. His voices are killer.

Kevin used to be fat back when we were in grade school. I noted that he never put the weight back on and asked him how he does it. He told me that he does not eat so much and exercises at a gym. I think that I am starting to see a theme develop.

Yesterday in Chicago, IL, I went to a restaurant with a couple of rockers. It was morning so I could get away with just getting coffee. One of the people that I was eating with is a vegan. This brings up a few points about dieting worth noting. Vegans, vegetarians and dieting enthusiasts have it rough at restaurants. There is not much on any menu for people with specialist dietary needs. I have traveled the country with vegetarians and it is never easy sitting down at a restaurant, especially truck stop greasy spoons, with these dudes. No matter how nice the specialist eater is about their request for items not on the menu or a variation of an item already there, the wait staff and cooks have to put extra work into the order. Nobody likes extra work – especially food service industry employees. I fear the worst. I don’t want some short order cook replacing an animal based item with another – his spit. Maybe I am just paranoid, but I don’t want to make too many special requests at a restaurant. I am about to eat whatever they stick in front of me. You are in their hands. Also, and this is a fact, service – say how many refills of coffee you get – is directly related to how many specific requests that the specialist eaters at the table make. You are getting off on the wrong foot with a waitress when you ask for too many non menu items when ordering and she is not going to come back to your table too often to fill up that coffee if she thinks that people at the table are high maintenance. I just try to go with the flow when eating out. That is my thing.

I was a champion dieter all the way to dinner. I had some cereal and raisins on the road. Of course I did my exercises and stretching. I have to keep it together.

Eventually, it is going to come down to eating with other people when you are on the road with a posse of seven. There are only so many occasions that you can sneak away and eat diet like foods while everybody else goes to a restaurant. I got away with that for years on the road with my old crew but I was traveling with a new group of dudes and I, and this goes back to my whole thought about just wanting to be normal, did not want them to think that I was some damn weirdo who won’t eat. I only have to be asked the question: “You do eat? Don’t you?” once for me to get with the program and eat just like everybody else. We went to an Italian restaurant. See the above notes about specialist eating at restaurants for a clue about what I ordered. I ate pepperoni and sausage pizza just like everybody else. I had to. Said before. Said again. Adult male dieting is embarrassing.

I did not eat anything else on the trip. Here it is eighteen hours later and I still haven’t eaten.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

posted by Thea at 12:43 PM

Day 44 – 03/14/02

I could not eat anything remotely diet like yesterday. The thought of salsa, beans or tuna is still making me nauseous as I sit here and type this morning. I don’t think that I am going to be able eat any of my normal diet foods for a couple days and that it is probably OK since I am hitting the road for a couple of days anyway staring today. There are no can goods on the road.

Dieting while you travel can be the easiest or worst thing for your diet depending on your mindset. Most people who travel will eat whatever high sugar, high fat and high calorie garbage they can get in their mouths at road side truck stops and the hundreds of fast food and fast food like restaurants that litter the Interstate Highway System. You have got to eat something and if it is only Sbarro’s at this gas station, well, you’ve got to eat Sbarro’s.

I have a funny story about the road and Sbarro’s. I used to manage a band, the Revelers. One of the guys’ in the band, George, mother owned a pizza shop. One of the guys in the band, Andrej, loved to break people’s balls for no reason. It is coming up on lunch time on the road. The debate on where to eat has started. George said that he will eat at anyplace but Sbarro’s. Andrej says, of course, because he is a giant ball buster that he wants to eat nothing but Sbarro’s. George tells him that he can’t eat at Sbarro’s because his mother owns a pizza shop and Sbarro’s tastes like shit compared to his mother’s. We ate at Sbarro’, of course, because Andrej is a giant ball buster. But my favorite part of this whole memory is the epic debate where Andrej tried to convince George that Sbarro’s is as good if not better than his mother’s pizza because he is a giant ball buster. We all know that Sbarro’s sucks. And it became a long running joke in the van every time we saw a Sbarro’s.

“Are we going to stop at that Sbarro’s coming up?” asked a member of the band who wants to start shit.

“You know, Sbarro’s pizza is good. I think that I like it better than your mom’s, George,” continued Andrej for a couple of hours. It really was a lot of fun.

The other option on the road, and this is my favorite, is to not eat anything or as close to nothing as you can get without dieing. You can either be real bored in the car and snack the whole time or you can be bored in the car and eat nothing because you have nothing to eat. I choose the latter. And when you stop on the road - here is the important part – don’t eat junk food or fast food. I am taking the essentials with me. I am also traveling with a vegan. This is going to be a snap. Losing weight is easy when you aren’t eating.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 205
Eaten = yogurt, milk and cereal, apple, orange, granola bar, power bar
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = four miles

posted by Thea at 7:31 AM

Day 43 – 03/13/02

I had to take the entire day off yesterday – not just from my diet and exercise program but from life itself.

I went into the office trying my damnedest to ignore the fact that I could barely stand up. The office has a trial next Monday and I have to do my part – no matter if I am about to die or not. It took me a couple of hours to finish the work that absolutely had to be finished yesterday and then I asked if I could go home.

“Is it OK if go home sick?” was the question.
“If your sick,” was the response.

In the dozen years that I have worked at the office, I think that I have taken about five or six sick days and two of those were because of my wife. There are people that I work with who have had that many sick/personal/bereavement days off so far this year. No bullshit. And I have to get what appears to me to be questioning. Whatever. I only take a sick day off if I am about to die or my wife is about to die. One or the other. But somebody has to be dying.

I left the office at eleven a.m. and went home to crawl into bed. I am still flabbergasted at how bad I felt yesterday. I could only remember one time that I felt as bad and that was with an throat infection. There was no coughing or sneezing with this flu – just horrible stomach pains, body aches and a wicked headache.

I slept all day yesterday half watching “Freddy Got Fingered” and “Saving Silverman”. I knew that the Tom Green movie was supposed to be stupid and I was not disappointed but what is up with me watching “Saving Silverman”? I thought that since Jack Black was in it, it was going to be funny but, man, it was just dumb. Have teen movies always been this terrible? It seems like their used to be a higher standard of crap comedies even a few years ago with Chris Farley movies – not to mention the classics of John Candy, John Belushi or Bill Murray. What happened? Movies today straight up suck. That is all.

I slept through the rest of the day and night after getting my hands on some Alka Seltzer flu medicine and Rolaids. I slept through “N.Y.P.D.” blue and I slept through “The Osbournes”. I slept through the whole night and woke up feeling much better. I still have an uneasy stomach and bowels but I think that I am going to make it through today. And through the rest of my life. I found myself saying that if I got through this twenty four hour flu that things are going to be different. Well, they are.

And the good news. Thanks to my body being ravaged by influenza, I hit the twenty pound mark of total weight lost - a little longer than forty days but so what? It was a great joy seeing that 199 on the digital scale. I like to lose weight, Ernie. It makes me feel good.

The wife and I bought a new scale a couple of weeks ago. I am fatter on it that I was on the old scale. Today starts my exclusive use of the new scale. It is a plus and a bonus, I am telling myself. I am going to have the sense of accomplishment that comes from going under 200 pounds twice on this diet. Aren’t I lucky?

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 205
Eaten = six graham crackers, yogurt, ginger ale, tomato soup, handful of Sun Chips, toast, milk and cereal
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300



posted by Thea at 7:17 AM

Day 42 – 03/12/02

I am feeling much better since I got off of the toilet five minutes ago. I don’t feel as if I have as much pressure in my stomach as I did before I hit the can although I still feel nauseous. My body is still in pain with multiple muscle aches and a headache. I feel as if I can puke any minute but I am starting to think that the puking is not going to happen. That is a bummer. I have not thrown up from the flu for a couple of years and I was kind of looking forward to the whole experience. I am on the fence of vomiting right now. I could probably feel some relief with a little help from my finger but I want it to come naturally. It is now the waiting game.

I came home yesterday from work and saw my wife’s ass. Nice. I could not see her head because it was buried in the toilet. She came home from work and was pretty sick. She said it was coming out of both ends. I felt fine but figured that I was probably not too far behind. I made sure that she was alright and then went downstairs to the kitchen and ate the most disgusting meal that I have eaten since I began the diet project. The can of Hormel chicken was so fucking greasy that I was gagging while I was preparing it. I forced myself to eat all of concoction that I prepared. I felt bad after I was done but, alas, no vomiting. Now it is over twelve hours later and I still have not ralphed. I have horrible stomach pain still and a ridiculous amount of gas. I can still taste the pickles.

This is bogus. I want this to be over with. I am drinking coffee right now so we will see what happens. I went number two again but no barfing. I am still burping up pickles.

The greatest vomiting story that has ever happened to me was the time my mother served the family bad pork for dinner. It was the middle of the night when all of the sudden, one by one, my family started to vomit uncontrollably. And loudly. I heard my dad downstairs in the bathroom that was directly under my bedroom through the thick fog of three o’clock in the morning. Wretch. It seemed like only seconds later that my brother was puking in the mini wastebasket next to his bed. I got up to look. Wow. It didn’t really get bad until he almost completely filled his trashcan up with vomit. I ran to get him my large Cleveland Cavaliers barrel garbage can but had to use it before I could get it to him. My sisters and mother followed suit downstairs. The loud heaves stopped after a few minutes. It was all over quick. Silence. Togetherness. Ginger ale. Family.

I don’t think I am going to vomit. I am bummed. I still taste pickles.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 201
Eaten =
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles

Day 41 – 03/11/02

This may seem like utter heresy on the diet but I have to lay this advise on you. You have to eat on the diet. You have to. There is no way around it. And unless you have the willpower of a saint or a Kafka character, you are going to have to eat. I think that I probably have more will power and discipline that anybody that I know. Do not question me. I have lost over one hundred pounds. I also quit smoking cold turkey in one try. No patch. No gum. Eight packs of Marlboros still in the refrigerator. No cigarettes - not one – for five years. Do I still want a cigarette? You are damn straight I do. On my walk today past the Greyhound Bus Station (one of my favorite buildings in Cleveland, OH) a bum asked me if he could buy a cigarette off of me. He seemed surprised that I didn’t smoke. There must be something in my face that says I need or want a cigarette. I still dream about smoking sometimes.

I am pretty hardcore about sticking to a program once I start it. I think that I am harder than most. But the one thing that I haven’t been able to do is stop eating. I have tried and I have failed. It is my fatal flaw.

I have succeeded on this diet program mostly because I have been accepting of the fact that I have been lying to myself about wanting to eat healthy. I don’t. I simply do not want to eat. Nothing. Ever. But I tell myself each day that it is better for me to try to eat healthy. I hate that.

My best days are the days when I don’t eat anything until I get home from work. Starvation is my best friend. I get pumped that I have eaten nothing all day and then I blow it when I come home and force myself to eat dinner. I like Starvation. And I like stuffing myself with food. I like the sensation of both equally. I hate this normal healthy diet crap. It is so boring.

I know what happens to me when I eat all that I want. That is why that will never happen. I wish that I could dance with Starvation every day of my life and see what would happen then. But I can’t. I have to eat.

You have to eat.

I am sorry to be laying this on you so late it the game. I can sense the fact that you are disappointed.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 201
Eaten = chicken, black eyed peas, salsa, baked Tostitos chips, three pickles, dry cereal with a spoonful of peanut butter and a cup of orange juice
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles


posted by Thea at 7:09 AM

Day 40 – 03/10/02

The biblical part of the forty days means something to me. It is a symbol for struggle and sacrifice that I totally identify with. The forty day thing is how it was in the bible. The forty days is old school.

I have had forty day periods of time where I have lost more weight than the past forty days. In the first forty days of dieting in 1989 starting at 304 lbs, I think that I lost close to forty pounds. And last spring before the wedding, I lost an even twenty. That was my goal when I started this whole dieting trip but the experience has changed for me into something else.

In the last forty days, I think that I might be starting to learn how to eat healthily. I feel good about what I have been to be eating and plan on continuing to do so. I am sure that I am going to eat the occasional cookie or caked filled pie from now on. Big deal. As long as I keep it in my pants and not eat giant bowls of ice cream right before bed. I should be OK. I like eating yogurt and fruit and crap now. There has not been that many times when I have been hungry in the last forty days. The only part of the dieting aspect of the last forty days that is a downer is I bought like 200 dollars worth of Carhartt Utility Pants (The Official Pants of the Assholier than Thou Good Times Happy Friends Show) that are now getting a bit loose. I don’t think that I am going to lose enough weight to get me into a lower size of Carhartt (The Official Clothier to the Assholier than Thou Good Times Happy Friends Show) but I am probably going to go down to Cleveland Uniform (The Official Carhartt retailer for the Assholier than Thou Good Times Happy Friends Show) and try out a pair on Day 60.

I have been listening to old tapes of the Assholier than Thou Good Times Happy Friends Show the entire forty days. In fact, I have listened to every minute of an entire year of radio shows (07/26/99 to 08/28/00). From this year of shows, I have been able to compile five CDs worth of material worth listening to again. There were many times during the over one hundred hours of radio programs that I listened to that I was ready to kill myself because of how boring and horrible I thought the show was. I am sorry. There is also five hours of material from that one hundred that I am extremely proud of and makes me laugh out loud regularly while listening to it. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the co-host of the Assholier than Thou Good Times Happy Friends Show, Thea, for all of her contributions to not only the world of comedy but also my life. Thea is funny. Period. She is also a dedicated dieting enthusiast and a good friend. Big ups. Lift the Oppressors. Raise the Bar.

I have only four more months of shows (September to December 2000) and a bunch of typing of the show notes to get to before Easter and then the web site and CD archives will be completely up-to-date.

I am getting a tattoo. If it goes well. I am going to get another.

In the last forty days, I have been getting my chops up again with the writing. I am going to write another book after Easter. This is going to be yet another attempt at third person comic narrative that I have yet to be able to pull off with any consistency. I am comfortable writing in the style of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson/Charles Bukowski/Lester Bangs more first person real life type stuff. I want to write a “Confederacy of Dunces” just so I can prove to myself that I can do it. I don’t think that I am any good at the writing yet but I am only thirty and, like Henry Miller at my age, just getting started.

I am going to keep on writing for the web site too. I like doing it.

I was talking to my wife last night. I asked her if wouldn’t it be romantic if we were living in a crummy apartment and she was working as a waitress in a dingy restaurant to support her struggling writer husband. She asked me if living in a crummy house and working retail was enough. I love my wife. She is the best.

I have to work all day again today. The job is fucking with me. It is not cool. But I am taking responsibility for it. If I can’t turn a wonderfully hilarious co-host, a supportive beautiful wife, a dedicated webmaster and a hardcore work ethic into a living then it is my problem – a big problem. I have rock friends.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person. Not just because I took the day off of dieting yesterday and I am going to do it again today but because I truly am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 201

posted by Thea at 7:19 AM