03/09/02 – Day 39

Why did I eat so much yesterday? For the same reason that I am up blogging at 5:30 a.m. My job. They got me again after five on a Friday afternoon. It all has to be done by Monday. You know the story. Now, everything that I had planned is ruined. Do you know what happens to me if I work as hard as I humanly can at the office? I am still an office worker. It is one of those Zen jokes that really does not have a point.

I walk a super thin line every day between what I consider acceptable an unacceptable activity for my life. I complain, and you can verify this with my wife, almost nightly on our walks about my job, the house and other assorted concrete matters that I wish I could change so we can move on. This bounty of grousing and bitching about work comes from a man who is generally satisfied with the amount of effort that I have to put in at the job. When extra work comes up at the office, like when I have to read and digest four depositions in a weekend, I totally lose it. Nothing that I own and no place that I want to go in life is worth me having to think about my job outside of the nine to five scenario. I like my job because I normally do not have to think about it even when I am at the desk in my office. I can, usually, exist at work on autopilot. That is nice.

For nine years, I used to be a runner for the firm that I currently push papers for. That was the greatest job in the world without question. I got to walk around to the courts, libraries and other offices in downtown Cleveland, OH getting exercise and relaxing with my thoughts. I never once, in the almost decade that I ran for this firm, ever thought about quitting the job. It was that great. I love to walk, no matter what the situation, and to get paid for it was a perfect situation.

Why did I have to move up the ladder? So I can jump off the building.

I still get to walk to the court every other week or so. Those days are like me being on vacation, even if it is snowing or raining. It really is that nice. I would rather walk that do any other physical type activity that you can come up with. It clears my head and repairs my damaged soul. I will be walking today. No matter what I have to do at the office.

I must walk. I simply must.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 201
Eaten = whatever
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles

Day 38 - 03/08/02

I talked to Thea about the diet. I told her that I was going to push harder than I had been on the program. I told her that I was within striking distance of losing twenty pounds in forty days. I told her what I was planning on eating until I got to twenty pounds lost and she told me that I was doing it wrong. She said that the only way to diet was to eat the way that she eats.

I talked to my wife about the diet. I told her that I was going to push harder than I had been on the program. I told her that I was within striking distance of losing twenty pounds in forty days. I told her what I was planning on eating until I got to twenty pounds lost and she told me that I wasn’t going to be any thinner. It was a false weight loss manufactured by a couple of days of near starvation. My wife wants me to eat healthily.

I talked to my mother about the diet. I told her that I was going to push harder than I had been on the program. I told her that I was within striking distance of losing twenty pounds in forty days. I told her what I was planning on eating until I got to twenty pounds lost and she told me that I was going to hurt myself with all of this dieting. She offered me a jalapeno pierogi (which I ate). By that time I had already given up. Or blew it. However you want to look at it.

There has been a few items here and there about competitive eating but nobody has touched on the art of championship starvation. Allow me. I can only think of one situation where fast massive weight loss is practiced and, most likely, encouraged and that is the cutting weight situation for boxers and wrestlers trying to get into the smallest weight class possible before the big event. The scene from “Raging Bull” is where Jake LaMotta (Robert DeNiro) is in a room filled with steam running in place. He is begging his trainer for a piece of ice. The trainer says no – two pounds. That scene is the holy grail for the underground competitive weight loss scene. Two pounds.

A man that I work with used to be a world championship weight loss enthusiast. He is very proud of his weight loss accomplishments. So proud, in fact, that he used his weight loss achievements (60 pounds in two months/15 pounds in three days) as secret facts about himself in an office newsletter guess who I am game. I asked him how he did it. He would not tell me. He just said that he used to be a wrestler.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 201
Eaten = banana, yogurt, apple, orange, dry cereal, two cups of orange juice, two granola bars, chic peas with salsa and peppers, two veggie patties and a handful of pretzels
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two and a half miles


posted by Thea at 5:57 AM

Day 37 – 03/07/02

I woke up this morning tired. I woke up this morning hungry. I hope up this morning feeling completely run down. I woke up this morning not wanting to go to work. I woke up this morning feeling like I really don’t want to do anything. I woke up this morning thinking that I have too much to do today. I woke up this morning thinking that I don’t have the energy to do any of it. I woke up this morning thinking that I would be nice if I could just go back to bed. I woke up this morning thinking that it was a long time before I was going to eat anything. I woke up this morning thinking that the coffee was taking way longer than it normally does to brew. I woke up this morning not really knowing if the coffee was going to fill that empty spot in my stomach. I woke up this morning hoping that it would. I woke up this morning tired. I woke up this morning hungry.

Please, let’s all join together for a chorus of “What a Friend we have in Coffee.”
Please, let’s all join in a chorus of “Coffee is Alright with me.”
Please, let’s all join in a chorus of “I Will Cling to that Old Rugged Coffee Pot.”

I do not know if I could make it through this diet without the invaluable assistance of my dear friend coffee. It fills my stomach with warmth. It fills the void in my soul that has been caused by the absence of cake filled pies. It lifts me up in my time of need. It comforts me. It is real good stuff. Man, coffee is the best.

I used to drink way more coffee than I do now. When I used to drink alcohol, I would have to drink multiple pots of black coffee during in the morning just to get me to the point where I could walk from my cubicle to the couch in the office lounge to go to sleep. After my nap, and several more delicious black cups of coffee, I would be ready for another night of heavy drinking. I love coffee. It is free in the office where I work. I can drink all of the black goodness that I want all day but I only drink four cups of coffee per day now. A while back, I got a completely unrelated case of insomnia. Through trying to cure myself of sleeplessness, which had nothing to do with me drinking too much coffee, by the way, I cut down my intake of the black gold. Eventually, through a miracle – not cutting my caffeine intake, I was able to sleep normally again. I don’t drink so much coffee now because I don’t want too much of a good thing – not that it will keep me up all night. Something about everything in moderation is good.

Oh, no surprise here, I feel fantastic after my morning couple of cups and I am ready to face the world. It is a great comfort to me to know that coffee is always going to be there for me.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 201
Eaten = apple, orange, banana, yogurt, turkey sandwich, three pickles, handful of pretzels, jalapeno pierogie, dry cereal, cup of orange juice
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles


posted by Thea at 7:16 AM

Day 36 – 03/06/02

I remember when I was a boy - a big fat boy. I wanted to be thin but I could not stop eating. Today, I can stop eating easily enough. That is not a problem. I just wish I could stop the dieting.

Or sometimes I wish that I could stop the running on a treadmill that is life altogether. I know that this is not the most optimistic sentiment about life but it is how I feel. Do not make me apologize for my feelings, you heartless bastard. Also, it must be said that I think that life is not weddings, funerals, graduations, defeats, triumphs – the big ticket items. Life is the trip to work on the bus every morning. Life is walking down the same corridor with harsh lighting and piped in classical music everyday. Life is sitting at the desk looking out the window that has no view except for another window across the office. Life is not that one day where something special happened or that other day when something tragic happened. Life is every day that you spent waking up in the same bed with the same woman going to the same job that you have gone to for years. Life is not the events. Life is the small steps that you make everyday. If you can handle the daily grind or whatever you want to call it, then I guess that you can handle life. Just don’t misidentify the special events as life. Drinking coffee every morning is your life.

My problem is not that I am unsatisfied with my every day routine. I can take it one day at a time. It is just when I start string all of those days spent at work together – week after week/month after month/year after year – I start to freak out. I don’t have a problem with anything that I do on an individual every day basis. I am not happy when I think about all of those days spent doing my life multiplied on top of each other. And all of those years. And then the next thing that you know is that it is all over. Now, here is my problem.

As a thirty year old, I sometimes feel as if life is flying by too damn quick. Where has time gone? What is happening to my youth? Is it over? Well, yes, it is. It is way over. I am now sliding downward into the inevitable. I hope it does not take too long. I hope I don’t end up poor. I hope that I can eventually move someplace warm. I hope that I someday do something with myself that has some artistic merit. I guess that is really all that I want out of life.

As much as I think that life is a long day after day routine that will never end, I also feel that life is flying by too damn quickly. This is weird. I must have a spilt personality. I am Sybil.

Well, here is the good news for you as the dieting enthusiast and my weight loss point for today: a diet, with all the tedium that comes along with thinking too much about food and repetitive exercises, will slow your life down to almost a dead stop. Dieting will give you more time that you will know what to do with.

Is it Easter yet? Is it Easter yet?

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 203
Eaten = apple,cup of orange juice, oatmeal, banana, tuna, green beans
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles

posted by Thea at 7:22 AM

Day 34 – 03/04/02

I watched some of the greatest inspirational television for the active dieter yesterday. I am so pumped up about what I saw that I don’t know where to start.

First, I watched a few minutes of a Richard Simmons infomercial. He was selling fat games of eating and fat dancing exercise tapes to fat people. I must caution the dieting enthusiast firmly. DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH THIS BULLSHIT. Richard Simmons is a loser and anybody who would buy any one of his products is a loser too. Diets are not for holding hands and crying about how people are mean to you because you are fat. Those supposed mean people are doing you a favor. Sack up. Get tough. Diets are not for fat crybabies who want to dance around like a fat tub to lame disco music playing a version of old maid that has something to do with the amount of chicken you can eat. This is all so fucked up I can barely understand it. Diets are for people of strength who like to do push ups. Diets are for people who want to be victorious over bad genes and an empty stomach through gritting your teeth and being hard. Damn hard.

I laughed at Richard Simmons for a few minutes. Then I felt bad for all the fat people, who will undoubtedly remain fat, who are falling for this shill. And then I started laughing again because these people are fat idiots. It is a roller coaster ride being me for sure.

I also watched a documentary on the Discovery Channel about competitive eating. I don’t really know that I can put what I saw into words. I am virtually speechless at the sight of those skinny Japanese eating machines wolfing down fifty hot dogs and buns in twelve minutes. It was an amazing sight to behold – the whole freak Japanese speed eating scene.

But what was more important to the dieting enthusiast was their disgusting fat American counterparts. These people are sick. The documentary followed three horrible fat people around (The Three Amigos) as they trained for the big Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. They went to buffets and they ate those giant steaks where if you eat the whole thing you get it for free. The image of those white clammy fat pasty doughy unhealthy fat asses jamming steak into their mouths or training with hot dogs that they were sharing whith their (pet) dogs will never leave my head. I will be able to rely on the feeling of never wanting to eat again that I got from watching these pigs to get me through the rough spots in my own dieting mission. They were truly sick.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 203
Eaten = pineapple, power bar, grapes, cup of orange juice, spaghetti and tomato sauce, salad, dry cereal, cup of apple juice
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles


Day 35 – 03/05/02

“Because you were hungry.”

I ate too much yesterday. That is a horrible fact. I am going to be dealing with that for a few days. I ate more spaghetti than I should have and I didn’t need that bowl of cereal before I went to bed. I don’t why I did I it. I was tired and kind of out of it but I should have retrained myself not to eat in times of weakness after more that 30 days of dieting. I would have been forced to write yesterday off as a total failure but I was able to get out on the streets of Downtown Cleveland for a couple mile walk even though it was as cold as a witch’s tit (Thank you, Dad) and the wind was howling off the lake. I walked on Lakeshore to prove that I was a tough guy. My ring finger was in pain even with thick gloves on due to the icy blasts of wind. I love that the ring finger gets sore in cold weather before any of the other fingers. It reminds me of my commitment.

I am recommitting myself to the diet today. I am cutting way back on the amount of food that I have been eating. I am going back to lose twenty pounds in forty days pre wedding of schoolboy friend regimen that worked so well for me last summer until I hit twenty pounds total lost weight. There will be no days off until I hit that goal. I know that all of the nay sayers out there are going to be crying that I am starving myself or that is not enough food or you are being unhealthy. I don’t want to hear it. It is only for a couple of days and I plan on finishing off the remainder of the diet with good old fashioned healthy eating – allowing my body to recuperate from the untold amount of damage that I am going to be doing to it through all of this alleged starvation.

So much of dieting is based on will power that I find it difficult to talk about anything else. I wish there was some type of magic formula that I could share with you to make it all go a lot easier but, unfortunately for me and all of the other fat asses eating calzones right now, there is none. It is a sorry fact of the fat person’s life that some people cannot eat French Silk Pie without making major changes in their regular diet to compensate for the occasional treat. I know that this is unfair. It also is unfair that there are stupid people too but sometimes God is a crazy bastard.

Fortunately, for me and everyone else like me, there is something that we can do about it. And that is to stay strong.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 203
Eaten = apple, orange, tuna, green beans
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles

posted by Thea at 7:27 AM

Day 32 – 03/02/02

“How do others see me? I am worried.”

Is there a reason that I am dieting other than the fact that I don’t want other people to think that I am a pathetic fat man? God forbid that somebody that I know would see me and say, “Hey. Have you put on weight?” I don’t know that I care so much about having extra weight on me. I am a dude. Dudes don’t care about the fact that they are putting on weight. Dudes like to think of themselves as big men. Dudes like to buy clothes made by the famous label clothier Big Ben.

But since fatness is considered by most to be a sign of weakness, I cannot be fat because I do not want to be perceived as weak. I like flexing my will power in front of other people. I like to say to people that I can do anything. I don’t care about having man bosoms. Dudes are fat. I care about other people thinking that I am a wuss. Or abnormal in any way.

I met somebody who does not know me but knows the Assholier Than Thou Monday Morning Radio Show yesterday. It was nice. I knew that I was not as fat as I was a month ago so the person would not think that I was a poor fat bastard. That was good. But I was carrying all of my Assholier Than Thou Monday Morning Radio Show preparation materials so the bag that I was hauling was almost overflowing with paper. I don’t want this person to think that I am some sort of weirdo bag person who carries all of his possessions around with him just so he will have it. I don’t need people thinking that I am a dork who has too much in his bag. I don’t need that.

I went someplace yesterday to talk to somebody who will never be mentioned on the show again. I weighed less that the last time that this person who will never be mentioned on the show again saw me so I knew that he would not thing that I morphed into a disgusting blob of blubberous weakness. There were a couple of other people there who would also have noticed that I lost wait since the last time that they saw me if they were paying attention. Even if they were not paying attention to me, I would not have looked any fatter. That was good. During the course of my conversation with this person who will not be named on the program ever again I let it slip that me eyes have been twitching. Sure, this person will not think that I am fat since I lost weight but now this person, who will not be mentioned on the show air ever again, and other anonymous people will think that I am psycho eye twitching guy. I don’t want people knowing that my eyes twitch. Normal people’s eyes don’t twitch.

I don’t care about being fat. I care about being abnormal.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 204 (I’m still not buying it although it was confirmed on another scale)
Eaten = cup of milk, raisin bran with extra raisins, yogurt, salsa salad, tuna and a handful of a false diet snack named Skinnies (taste = good/feeling after eating false diet snack = stupid)
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles


Day 33 – 03/03/02

An interview between me and my wife:

Me - Do you think that I am fat?

Wife - No.

Me -Why don’t you think that I am fat? Are you blind?

Wife - No. You are not fat, honey.

Me - Have you ever thought that I am fat?

Wife - Since I have known you?

Me - Yes.

Wife - No. But I have definitely seen pictures of you when you were fat, though.

Me - Have you seen that picture of me and my brother and sisters standing in front of Niagara Falls?

Wife - Yes.

Me - I sure was fat then. How fat did you think that I was the first time that you saw me?

Wife - You were chunky.

Me - Did you think to yourself that you could never be with such a horrible fat person?

Wife - No. I thought that I could never be with such an angry person.

Me - Why do you think that I am so angry? Is it because I am so fat?

Wife - My guess is a chemical imbalance.

Me - Would you describe me to others as an angry person?

Wife - No. Depressed.

Me - So, wife who I cherish more that life itself, what is it? Anger or depression?

Wife - I think that this is going to be boring, honey.

Me - No, I think that it is going to be funny. What is it? Anger or depression?

Wife - Back then it was anger. Now I think that it is obsessive compulsive with a twist of depression.

Me - Do you pity me?

Wife - No. I pity myself sometimes.

Me - Do you feel sorry for me?

Wife - Yes. Sometimes.

Me - Are you ever impressed that I don’t blow my stack more often?

Wife - No! You blow your stack too much.

Me - What do you think that my problem is?

Wife - As I said before, a chemical imbalance or something to do with the nuns.

Me - Do you think that I should take some kind of medicine?

Wife - YES!

Me - For fatness?

Wife - (laughs) No. You jackass.

Me - Are you unhappy being married to such a depressed angry fat man?

Wife - No. I feel bad for you though.

Me - That is not good. I do not want your pity. I want you to be proud of me. Is there anything that I do that does not sicken you?

Wife - (long pause) I am thinking… (long pause) This is a stupid question. Next.

Me - Are you trying to say that there is nothing that I do that does not sicken you?

Wife - The movies that you picked from the library the other night did not sicken me. You should ask me what you do that does sicken me?

Me - OK. I am game. What sickens you?

Wife - Crunching dry cereal.

Me - So my eating habits sicken you?

Wife - Just the cereal, sweetie. It is the only time that I am with you that I feel like I might blow my stack. It truly sickens me.

Me - OK. I sicken you. That’s fine. I thought that it would be fair for me to tell you why I am interviewing you this morning. Yesterday, I wrote that the only reason that I am dieting is because I don’t want other people to view me as a pathetic fat person and generally how I just want to be looked at as normal. Do you think that I am normal?

Wife - No. And it has nothing to do with your weight.

Me - Do you think that other people see me as normal?

Wife - Probably.

Me - That is good. I am worried about what other people think about me. If I were dead, would you remarry?

Wife - What?

Me - I know this has nothing to do with me being fat, I am just curious.

Wife - Are we talking about this year, next year, thirty years from now?

Me - I guess I am most curious about right away.

Wife - (long pause) Maybe someday. But, after being married to you, I think that I would want a long time by myself. A long time.

Me - Do I know your future husband?

Wife - What? Now you are being stupid.

Me - C’mon. Tell the truth.

Wife - (laughing nervously) No.

Me - Ok, let’s rap this up. Do you ever wish that I was less fat?

Wife - No.

Me - How fat would I have to be before you lost interest in me physically?

Wife - I don’t know. Let’s not find out.

Me - 300 pounds?

Wife - Yes.

Me - What do you think about they way that I normally eat?

Wife - Too much Miracle Whip Light. Your problem is in the condiments.

Me - But I like the condiments. What do you think about the way that I am eating on this diet?

Wife - I think that it is pretty good.

Me - Why do you think that I obsess about my weight so much?

Wife - Because, like with me, it is a constant problem. Up. Down. Up. Down.

Me - Why do you think that I am so fat?

Wife - I don’t think that you are fat.

Me - OK. Thank you for playing along at home. I love you, peanut.

Wife - I love you too, sweetie.

Me – Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 203 (weighing myself pre morning shower as apposed to post is giving me a false read)

posted by Thea at 9:15 AM