Day 24 – 02/22/02

Television has taught me all that I need to know about life.

Besides having shows with characters who wear t-shirts with the slogan “Hot Mama” written on them, Fox is the home of prime time cartoons that kick the ass. “Family Guy” is one of my favorites. It recently had an episode where the father in the show, Peter Griffith, got plastic surgery and liposuction. I am against plastic surgery and liposuction. If you cannot lose the weight under the power of your own will, then you deserve to be fat and ugly.

“The Simpsons” is another great cartoon on Fox. Once, Homer decided to gain weight so he could be classified as morbidly obese and go on disability. Dr. Nick Riviera gave Homer advice about a massive weight gain because he said that Homer was dangerously underweight. Dr. Nick said to be creative to put on the pounds. Luther Vandros, on Oprah, said that he used to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches substituting glazed donuts for bread. That is the type of creativity that Dr. Nick was talking about.

“King of the Hill” had the best bit on weight that I have ever saw on television besides all of those great “Jerry Springer” episodes where bed ridden fatsos had to be emergency lifted out of their houses after the paramedics broke a larger hole where the door used to be to get them out. My favorite scene on those shows is either when the fat people and their almost as fat family are crying about how fat they are or when the paramedics and doctor are standing around the bed trying to figure out they are going to get the fat person out of the bed. They speak in hushed tones. It is very serious. I feel that people are looking at me the same way when I am not dieting.

The bit on “King of the Hill” went something like this: The Hills were on a diet or something and Luann, the cousin who does not have a weight problem, was skipping breakfast because she too was trying to watch her figure. Cotton, the old redneck father of Hank Hill, yelled at her that he would watch her figure for her because woman had no idea what they were supposed to look like. You keep eating, Cotton told her, and I will tell you when to stop.

It does not seem too funny here written in my BLOG, but I think that it reiterates that point I was trying to make a couple days back about women wanting to be to skinny like junkie looking models. Like everything else that TV has taught me, which is to say everything that I know about life, it is kind of fuzzy and mixed up with my preexisting memories and belief system.

I don’t know if any of this is actually happening. What came first? Reality? Or the televised version thereof?

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 208
Eaten = yogurt, raisins, apple, tangelo, power bar, oatmeal, salsa salad, turkey, handful of pretzels, cup of orange juice
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles


posted by Thea at 7:07 AM

Day 23 – 02/21/02

“I see fat people,” whispered that kid from the movie “Sixth Sense”.

I watch the show “Grounded for Life”. I am not proud of it. I might be even a little ashamed – ashamed like when my wife catches me watching women’s college softball on ESPN. Speaking of the wife: She made a supposedly light jambalaya with turkey sausage yesterday for dinner. She got the recipe out of a cooking light magazine. I was not crazy about breaking my regime for a bowl of peppers and turkey sausage on a Wednesday, but what am I supposed to do? It was good. She guaranteed me that the recipe was low fat. I don’t know. Is she trying to sabotage me? I certainly passed on the Italian bread that she offered me and I have not ate any of the third batch of cookies that she has made since I started this project yesterday. Three batches of cookies in three weeks. Is she trying to get to me? Or is she just fortifying my iron resolve with the fire of fresh bakery?

The reason that I watch the show “Grounded for Life” is not because I am a fan of melodramatic family oriented situation comedies. In fact, I hate them. But I am in love with the lady that plays the Mom on the show – whatever her name is. She has replaced the lady who used to be on “NYPD Blue” who now is an anchor on CNN – whatever her name is - as my favorite woman on television. I am now getting hot for the Mom character on melodramatic family oriented situation comedies. What has happened to me? I am getting hot for the Mom character. This is very bad.

The reason I like this Mom character partially has to do with her nose. It is the kind I like. It is curled or buttony or squishy- I don’t know. I am definitely a nose guy. She also has a chubbier face. I like that too. I learned that people are usually attracted to people who they feel are roughly the same level of attractiveness as them. Since I see myself as an ugly guy, the thinking is that I am never going to see myself with a super model so, therefore, I am not going to be attracted to them. This is true. I think that I like women – and I definitely have a type (the Mom character on “Grounded for Life”) – who are roughly kind of the female equivalent of me. I don’t want this to sound like some screwy self loving trip or come across as a Joel Kaufman type who always seems to go out with women who would be mistaken as his twin sister.

It is the nose. It is the face. It is an ass. And it is… shit this is getting weird… I feel like a pervert… the breasts. There, I said it. I am not proud of it.

The point of this whole BLOG (thank you, Dan) was that on the show last night there was debate on whether the Mom character had fake breasts. She did not and was upset that people thought she did. She at one point declared that she was proud of her figure and that she was not going to starve herself so she would not have boobs.

That is the point. If you are a woman who is thinking about dieting, don’t do that. Starving yourself so you do not have breasts is bad.

I am sorry about this entry. I feel sick.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 208
Eaten = yogurt, granola cereal, apple, tangelo, power bar, salsa salad, turkey, jambalaya and a handful of pretzels
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300

posted by Thea at 7:15 AM

Day 22 – 02/20/02

Today is my brother Moe’s birthday. He is not fat. He used to be fat. I would say that he is a fat person in waiting but he has managed to keep his excess baggage off for over fifteen years now so he is off of the fat people books as far as I’m concerned.

My brother is the same as me in a lot of regards. We are both roughly the same body type, with him being a little bit taller and me being a bit wider. We both have the same genes and the same environmental stimulus. He is a good measuring stick as far as other people roaming the planet of what I am supposed to look like. I think that he weighs in the 170s. that is why I know that I should definitely weigh less than 200 pounds no matter what the Webmaster Flying V says to encourage me to remain fatter that he is. Flying V, I know how this game works…. inviting me out to lunch….shitter.

My brother and I were both fat as boys. I was much fatter. We were both too fat to play CYO football in junior high with the mandatory 120 lb. weight limit. He lost the weight through cutting down his eating and exercising. I remember him eating plenty of fruit cocktail. He had to sit the bench for half of the season one year because of the weight limit. I think that the ribbing that he got from the other kids beat the fatness out of him for life. He has not had a weight problem since. I never even got close to the weight limit and ate pie filled cakes because I was depressed because I couldn’t play football. I will continue to struggle with fatness for the rest of my life.

What does my brother do differently that me that keeps him not fat? He eats his ice cream before he goes to bed out of a coffee cup instead of bowl so he doesn’t east too much ice cream.

Happy Birthday, Moe!

Yesterday is the first day that I noticed in awhile that I was hungry. That is a good thing. I was hungry at night after my eight o’clock walk. I thought about having some dry cereal while I watched television. Really, what harm would a small bowl of Apple Oatmeal Raisin Crisp have on my stomach? None, really. But as far as damaging the sense of accomplishment that I may achieve from getting under 200 pounds by Easter … I am having a hard time believing that is going to happen. I have all but given up losing 30 pounds in 60 days as I had originally planned when I started this dieting project. It does not seem to be going as fast as is has in the past when I would jump on these radical Starvation diets. I would like to rationalize and say that it has to do with the fact that I am older but, if I were ever to tell the truth to myself, I would have to admit that the reason that I am not losing the weight as fast as I previously had is because I am eating too much damned food.

I am sure that the viewer is looking at the diet, in particular what I am eating every day and saying to themselves, “Well, with all of the food that Chris is eating, it is not exactly like a diet at all – unless you want to call it a fat person’s diet of lies and eating.” I know. I know.

I am ratcheting up my efforts today. I am cutting out the banana and rice from yesterday. Thea is right. I need to get more pumped about the diet. I need to revel in the hunger pains that I am feeling before I go to bed. I need to stop lying to myself. And eating.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 208
Eaten = oatmeal, yogurt, apple, power bar, jambalaya, salsa salad, dry cereal, cup of apple juice
Push-ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles

posted by Thea at 7:13 AM

Day 20 – 02/18/02

Cleveland, OH is one of the fattest cities in the United States of America.

It is almost like our civic duty here to pack on a few extra pounds each year to show that we are honest to goodness Clevelanders. People on the North Coast, for the most part, don’t have any real serious body imaging issues. There are a few exceptions like the perpetually tanned rail thin fifty something year old women with an enormous boob job wearing an ensemble consisting of designer jeans and high heals that populate the Beachwood Mall on a Saturday but, by and large, Clevelanders don’t get into the obsessive weight issue thing.

Cleveland, OH is known across for fat people. Take Meat Loaf, one of the only fat rockers besides Fat Elvis to go platinum. He was signed to Cleveland International records. Take Drew Carey. He is a fat geek and his show is the only show set in Cleveland, OH that has ever been on network primetime television. Take John “Big Dawg” Thompson. Every Sunday afternoon during football season the “Big Dawg” can be seen eating in the bleachers at Cleveland Municipal Stadium surrounded by other less fat only when compared to the “Big Dawg” people eating and supposedly rooting for the Browns between bites. And who will ever forget the image of that blubbering fat ass moaning on the national news, sans fat dog mask when Model took the Browns to Baltimore, MD – another fat city. Shawn Kemp, once a star for the Seattle Supersonics, became fat when traded the Cavaliers. He could not help it. The legacy of Dinner Bell Mel Turpin is still in the air.

There used to be a popular cover band that played in lame bars around Cleveland, OH. The drummer was a 400 pound freak named Tiny. This, dear viewer, is Cleveland, OH. Call the fat guy Tiny.

Why are people so damned fat in Cleveland, OH? My gut reaction to that impossible question is that it is because it is so damned cold. I mean, shit, I have been freezing my balls off every day for the past few months and can see no end to the frozen madness in the near future. The cold weather is very depressing unless you can somehow convince yourself that you are part Yeti put on earth to ravage the sidewalks of Public Square. I did that for years working as a runner for a downtown law firm but I can’t be the abominable snowman anymore. I am too old and too damned cold. I dream of Miami, FL. Extra fat will naturally make you feel warmer and a large piping hot pepperoni pizza will mentally make you feel just fine. It is the trap of cold weather fatness. Look at the polar bear. They have to store up fat for the harsh winter. The Clevelander is fighting nature if they try to remain too skinny. Man versus nature is a fight that is hard to win.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 209
Eaten = apple, power bar, fish, noodles and tomato sauce, salsa salad, green beans, rice, banana, yogurt, and a cup of orange juice
Push ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles

Day 21 – 02/19/02

Cleveland, OH is a king sized man’s paradise.

Have I told you one of the reasons that I love Cleveland, OH. Good sized woman. Thea would say thick. Thick women.

I am hesitant to use the phrase plus sized women less the viewer think that I am some kind of perverted chubby chaser. I don’t want some fat tub of lard but my lady - my sexy lady - needs to have some meat on her bones. And if that meat could mixed in with some muscle like a tennis player or figure skater – we are in business. My wife has come home from work and caught me watching woman’s college softball on ESPN. She called me a sick f. I beg to differ with her.

There is nothing more unappealing than some withered scarecrow woman with a gaunt looking face and no ass. My lady – my sexy lady – must have an ass. I can not live without an ass.

R. Crumb, who is not a Clevelander but spent some time here in the sixties working for American Greetings, and I share the same image of physical beauty: big legs and a big butt. I am serious. What more could you ask for?

Cleveland, OH is Valhalla for the lover of good sized women. It is next to impossible for a woman to keep weight off in this city for, either the cold weather as previously discussed, or for other as yet to be touched on cultural or socio economic factors.

Find a skinny woman in Cleveland, OH. She will put on weight. You can bet on that. Fat is in the air. The only downside to the good sized woman phenomenon in Cleveland, OH is that eventually these woman will become too fat and impossible to get down with. I have watched woman in the offices of downtown Cleveland, OH morph from a skinny chick just out of the sorority into to desirable fleshed out woman of the world into a fat blimp after having kids. I watch the sweet ass that comes with a couple years of marriage and home cooked dinners explode with cellulite and distort into a terrible aberration over the course of time – that cruel bitch time. Beauty is so fleeting. It think there was a poem written about that or something.

A girl in California hears the phrase the Kielbasa Queen of Slavic Village and turns her nose up at an unpleasant image that the phrase conjures. We, my fellow Clevelanders, know otherwise.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 209
Eaten = oatmeal, yogurt, banana, apple, power bar, fish, rice, salsa salad, red pepper, cup of orange juice
Push-ups = 100
Crunches = 300
Walk = two miles

posted by Thea at 7:49 PM

Day 17 – 02/15/02

I took an emergency day off yesterday to celebrate St. Valentine’s Day like the rest of the fat asses across the world. I may have head a piece of candy. I may have had some bakery. I may have had some pad tai. Guess what? I may have eaten all that my big fat heart desires but it would be none of your business because it was my day off. Mine. Give me my privacy.

It is ironic, like that the song by Alanis Morissette about the former Canadian child actor turned teen pop superstar who had to get her hand surgically removed from her pocket, that I would stumble upon the PBS’s Frontline episode “Fat” after my big Valentine’s dinner with my wife. I rubbed my belly while I watched the fat Chinese kids who have grown bloated thanks to the rash of American-styled fast food restaurants that has infected China like the plague. I belched quietly as to not wake up my wife while the thought police of the public television trust told me that the food that I am eating is toxic. I picked at my rich desert, savoring every creamy bite, while the super sized woman (her term – not mine) told stories about people trying to run her over in a car to see how much of an impact a 500 lb woman would have on their Japanese Sports Utility Vehicles – just for kicks. While my wife slept, aided by a huge dinner and several drinks, I wolfed down the remainder of her high calorie cake filled with tiny pies. The television told me that fat people should get comfortable with the fact that they are fat. The lady from some big and beautiful told me that she likes having hips and breasts. She says that her husband likes to grab his big fat mama. The morbidly obese hillbilly said that he had always been heavy and then he hurt himself and was laid up for awhile. He said that he ate too much while he was stuck in bed. Then he ate too much because he was depressed from gaining so much weight. He called Dr. Big Fat Liar - the man that performed the emergency stomach and intestinal bypass surgery – Brother Big Fat Liar. The morbidly obese hillbilly had a type of religious epiphany after he lost the first one hundred pounds of blubber and confused Dr. Big Fat Liar with a man of the cloth. Dr. Big Fat Liar said that some people can’t help being fat asses and that he does the only thing that he could possibly do in the situation – cut off there stomach. Dr. Big Fat Liar was not alone in his opinion that some people just can’t help being fat. Some people are tall and others short. Some people are bald and others have hair. It is genetic. Some people are big disgusting fat people and others are normal sized. One of Dr. Big Fat Liar’s associates told of a five foot nine 250 lb. tri-athlete as an example. He is 100 pounds overweight with a fat gut and big blubbery bosoms but yet he can still run a marathon. This man is a fat freak I thought as I drifted off into dreams of potato chips and French onion dip. Maybe my lost in life is that of the whale-like athlete. After all, isn’t it supposed to be better for you to be active than slender?

I slept hard that night on a full stomach. I dreamt of eating and running. Eating and running. And I was happy in my dreams.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 210
Eaten = turkey sandwich, tomato, three pickles, handful of pretzels, cup of orange juice
Push ups = 90
Crunches = 270
Walk = two and half miles


Day 18 – 02/16/02

I know that on the diet, you have to walk it alone. Those dieting around you will only bring you down with their ridiculous tales of false dieting. Yes, I think that multiple slices of pepperoni pizza is the perfect dietary food stuff the false dieter standing next to will say as they eat bag after bag of chocolate covered raisins that they bought from the local hippy health food store - so it has to be healthy, right? It was bought at the health food store. It has got to be good for you, right? This same false dieter will regale you with tales of how much exercise they got carrying their groceries in from the car. They will tell you about the burn that they felt from pushing the cart around the grocery store. They will get weird with you when they talk about the good sweat that they got while walking to the pizza parlor. Good sweat.

Fuck the false dieter. Riding your bike to Taco Bell does not even everything out. Again, fuck the false dieter. Listen to the bullshit. Remind yourself that it is bullshit. Rise above the bullshit.

That said, if you can find somebody who is not bullshit who can get on the program with you, that is ideal. It is significant to get some feedback from somebody who is not a total jive turkey. You will need to find somebody who can sit in the sinking ship with you and maybe help you bail water.

Thea is not a total jive turkey.

Here’s how it goes. I am a naturally sullen, angry, bitter and depressed person. The only reason I am dieting, besides the obvious not wanting to be a big fat tub of shit thing, is so that I can jam it down the throats of the false dieters around me. I am totally fueled by hate in my drive for vengeance. I would not get up on most mornings except for the fact that I want to show them.

I have been more depressed than usual on this fucking diet. And I have been bitching a blue streak to… that’s right – Thea. I know that Thea is not a total jive turkey, so I can listen to her words of encouragement and not think that she is trying to pull one over on me because she wants me to be fat. I trust Thea to give me advice on how not to eat. I trust that Thea will tell me if I look grossly huge to her. Thea will be there to pick me up when I am down.

I was telling Thea how much I hate this dieting crap. I was telling her how I am just about to give up on eating all together. I was telling her about the turkey sandwiches and just basically losing my will to do it anymore. I told her that I hate it.

She told me about how much joy she has been getting from eating the chic pea cabbage balsamic vinegar bowl of crap. She seemed happy and excited. She told me that I needed to revel in the eating of weirdly healthy crazy bowls of crap. She made it sound fun. And Thea made me forget about wanting to kill myself few a few minutes.

Thea is not a total jive turkey.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 210
Eaten = two bananas, yogurt, three orange slices, turkey sandwich, tomato, red pepper, salsa salad, cup of orange juice
Push ups = 90
Crunches = 270


Day 19 – 02/17/02

Yesterday, I saw pictures of myself from my vacation in California from a couple of weeks ago. I looked like a fat disgusting piece of shit. I could not believe how fat I looked. I was not completely shocked but I was bummed that I have been walking around looking like this without anybody stopping and telling me that I looked fat.

It is a fact that the scale lies. That has been established and confirmed over and again. Although I did not put on a super amount of wait in that last six months, I think that fact that I quit running maybe me softer and tubbier looking. God, did I look fat in those pictures.

I now that I can’t count on the scale to tell the truth but I sure do wish that somebody that sees me everyday would tell me that I am getting fat. A few people have asked me if I have been losing weight in the last week. Where were these observant fat watchers when I was getting bloated? Yeah, thanks for all of the help.

Photographs don’t lie. Neither does the television camera. Monitor your appearance vigilantly. Standing next to skinny people will give you perspective. Pay attention to your looks. Keeps tabs on how you feel versus the snapshots that you should be constantly taking and eat accordingly. Nobody around you is going to tell you that you are getting fat. A photo will.

A picture tells a thousand words. Fat times one thousand.

Yes, I am a horrible fat person.

Lbs. = 209
Eaten = two bananas, yogurt, bowl of raisin bran with extra raisins, cup of orange juice, chicken, salsa salad, green beans, pasta with tomato sauce
Push ups = 90
Crunches = 270
Walk = two miles

posted by Thea at 12:09 PM